Hello, children!
So, my tumblr activities have stopped for some time. There’s a reason. My keyboard broke. Yet, now I have a temporary one, thanks to my beloved and that means, that I will write here some things that had happened to me lately and some time ago. So stay tuned.
This is one of the most amazing, emotional, mentally powerful videos I have ever seen. It’s more than strong, it makes you remember all the bad things that happened, yet, makes you feel proud, that you were that circus clown, that was called a freak, not that horrifying monster torturing them. That made us who we are, as cheesy as it sounds, it’s true. Cause we are better than them, we are stronger, we are more loving, more caring, more human, than they will ever be. This video makes me feel, that we, those circus freaks, are some kind of nation, fighting for our beliefs, for our free will of doing what we want, what we like, not being bullied about it, not being laughed at. This video makes me feel stronger, makes me feel like we are something better..
This video makes me feel, that we are! That we are more, than they will ever be!
Sometimes the only thing I wish for is a possibility to start everything from the beginning. It’s complete disaster. My life should had been ok by now. I have practically everything I could wish for, yet, my life is a complete mess and It’s impossible to get back. It’s impossible to start again, cause the things in your head cannot be erased. They will only grow.
The world is a mess, it destructs us from the inside, it destroys us completely, driving us mad, mentally wrecking. Trying to do well, we only hurt people around us. It’s an infinite circle. Trying to save one, we hurt others and it cannot be stopped. I wish there was a way to escape that madness, lock myself in my own tiny world. My happy place, my life as I imagined it. Lock my self, escaping reality, escaping the evil around us, pain, suffering.. Not mine, but escaping the possibility hurting the ones I love.
Life gave back what I asked for and I couldn’t be more thankful, yet I keep messing things up, I keep misunderstanding and ending up trying to understand, why was I such an idiot. Often I end up asking myself, what will I do later.. in 5 years, 10, maybe 20.. Where will I end up, if I continue like this. But then again, how can I change that? How can I change all these coincidences, consequences of actions I’ve made trying to save myself from a complete mental breakdown. I wish I could do better, I wish I could be better. I’m slowly killing myself, I’m slowly dying from my own past - the one thing I will never be able to change.
My mind is killing me, it always had and it always will be. Day by day I am starting to lose hope, that it will ever change. That I will ever be able to control it, to understand what is worth worrying and what’s not. That I will ever do something right, something, that wouldn’t hurt anyone else. Especially the ones I love. I am truly sorry for everything.. sadly, my ‘sorry’ doesn’t change anything. What has been done, cannot be undone. The past cannot be changed and the future gets more and more messed up by every thing we do and by every word we say.
Yet, there is no right or wrong. There are only consequences of our actions.
Well, what’s better than writing and listening to music while driving on the bus[?]. haha. “This Will Destroy You” on my earphones giving the proper locked inside of yourself atmosphere in this overfilled bus and words are starting to flow by themselves.. One by one, letter by letter, word by word, sentence by sentence and my mind is overflowing with messy thoughts and pictures of past, present and future, trying to filter all these three times. Everyone should be able to clean their mind, choose what to think of and what to leave behind. That would be the best upgrade a human being would get. If an update is coming out soon - this is what I want. It still hurts thinking about what possibly happened, what did happen, but maybe not exactly like I am imagining, despite that everything is fine now. Well, I guess there’s no need to write a lot of negative things here, right? Although, you have to get rid of them don’t you? Well, that’s what people do, don’t they? Share things, trying to grab something to hold on to, trying to find a way out of their own mind, thoughts and memories.
people breaking like china vases,
souls are trembling like cello strings and
voices whispering in my ears that
love is dying, friends are crying
