"Have a little faith" life said to me, finding it’s another humorous way of turning things around, making me look for other ways to get out of these woods. "Are you in need of my assistance?" life asked, throwing a slight smile on my direction. "Is ignorance an assistance?" I threw a question right back at it. Feeling much better after this quick comeback, I threw a smile myself, yet life didn’t hesitate and quickly replied: "only if your living is ignorance. Is it?" I wasn’t quite sure how to answer this one. Making me feel cornered, life put it’s hand on my shoulder and asked me looking satisfied: "So, what’s up with you?". And there it was, just like a mirror, the beginning that came and went has returned again with it’s own fun way of annoying me. Seems like everything goes round and round, and round again. Should I continue playing this game? Seems like beginners luck is just a myth, or maybe it’s been much longer since I started this madness? Oh, maybe this bird on a branch could tell me, he’s been sitting here all day.. "little bird.. " and even before I could end this sentence, little bird interrupted and asked: "So, what’s up with you?"
Working from seven to eleven every night, it really makes life a drag, I don’t think that’s right. I’ve really, really been the best of fools, I did what I could.
'Cause I love you, baby, how I love you, darling, how I love you, baby, how I love you, girl, little girl. But baby, since I’ve been loving you. I’m about to lose my worried mind. Everybody trying to tell me that you didn’t mean me no good. I’ve been trying, Lord, let me tell you, let me tell you I really did the best I could. I’ve been working from seven to eleven every night, I said It kinda makes my life a drag. Lord, that ain’t right… Since I’ve been loving you, I’m about to lose my worried mind. Said I’ve been crying, my tears they fell like rain, don’t you hear, don’t you hear them falling,
don’t you hear, don’t you hear them falling. Do you remember mama, when I knocked upon your door? I said you had the nerve to tell me you didn’t want me no more. I open my front door, hear my back door slam, you must have one of them new fangled back door man. I’ve been working from seven, seven, seven, to eleven every night, It kinda makes my life a drag…
Baby, since I’ve been loving you, I’m about to lose, I’m about lose to my worried mind.
"You're not right for her!"
"And you are..?"
I felt like writing something here. Felt the need to communicate with myself in a global way. I feel like some things are going to change. No, I feel like some things should change. I felt like living for others, which is not a bad thing, if you simultaneously live for yourself. I didn’t. I don’t. But I should. Some would feel the need to disappear. No, I felt the need to show myself, to reveal myself, to get up and stop being a transparent. My fault. I felt transparent. I feel transparent. I feel, therefore, I am. Therefore, I exist. Wind exists, but we can’t see it, can we. Yet it makes difference. I make difference. I should make difference. I should be. It doesn’t matter are you transparent, silent, loud or anything else. As long as you make difference, you exist, you matter. As long as you’re not discouraging others to exist, as long as you don’t make others question their existence - in other words, don’t make others question your existence.
"Man is sometimes extraordinarily, passionately, in love with suffering."
- Fyodor Dostoyevsky
I exist. Now I want to live.
We believe in miracles when we can’t get what we want and/or assume we need. We hope because we can not accept the truth, things that are happening right now, in this moment. As for the people - quoting Stephen Chbosky: "We accept the love we think we deserve".
Sometimes it is worth to look higher, think wider, believe in unbelievable, believe in this one or more things and go for it, no matter what, no matter what anyone says, no matter the odds.
Why are we so modest? Waiting for mercy, compassion? It won’t happen. The thoughts you think, things you do, it’s who you are. You won’t get better being pathetic, no one will need you like that, no one will need you weak and miserable.. Luck and happiness is not a compassion gift. We get what we think we deserve, we accept the love we think we deserve, therefore, we get the love we think we deserve.
The point is - not to give up on what we believe, what we want and stop thinking we don’t deserve something just because we don’t get it right away, the next day, week, month. years.. It doesn’t matter how long you’ll have to wait cause if you really want something, your thoughts, your dreams and wishes won’t change no matter how long you’ll have to wait. If you stop thinking you deserve it, stop fighting for it, give up - you really DON’T deserve it!
Our life is like a searching engine: just because the result doesn’t come up immediately - it doesn’t mean it won’t come up at all. It’s up to us how long are we willing to wait for it, cause that shows how much we really need it, how much we want it, therefore do we really want it and do we really deserve it.