Sometimes we pretend to be someone we’re not. Sometimes we pretend to be someone we want to be, sometimes - just because we don’t want to be ourselves, who we are. Sometimes we pretend just so people wouldn’t know who we actually are.. Cause we’re afraid, ashamed, scared, that we’ll get rejected once more. Sometimes we pretend, cause we think we’re alone and that we won’t be accepted between the others - the similarities, the cliché’s. Sometimes we pretend to be someone else, so we could run away from ourselves, our thoughts, wishes. We try to create our own little world in which everything is perfect, as we want it to be. Sometimes everything you can do is to wait and hope, that someday the world you created would be alive, that the world in your mind would reach out and exist. Sometimes it’s not about you, it’s about who you’re with and who you want to be with, yet who you can’t be with. We try to run away from reality, try to create our own world, we try to wait and hope that someday your world would live. We try to hide from the bad things, from things that didn’t quite work out as we planned, we try to run away from the world we live in, from the things we can’t understand, things we can’t explain. We try, yet we can’t run away from ourselves.
What does your conscience say? - “You shall become the person you are.” - Nietzsche
You realize that everything you are is going down, everything you try to be is falling apart, all you wish for is fading. That sucks. What can you do? Continue working. But what if all you’re doing so far was wrong? What if all you have done so far was completely opposite of what you should’ve done? And what if you don’t know how to do everything right? What if you actually don’t know how to live? In life we have millions of questions, but, has anyone answered “how do you live?”
We tend to live on our own, trying to survive, trying to be the best, beat the rest. But what the hell does that mean? What’s the point of doing that? You’re the best, you beat the rest and now what? What next?
Loneliness is one of the worst feelings there is. Confusion, Fear, Anger, Loneliness, Misery, Paranoia.. It’s killing us. Society, the interenet, television, radio, it all makes stereotypes we can’t get along with. It’s destroying our comunity. It’s destroying us.
People are selfish, yet, those who try to help others, those who get out of that massive chaos, what happens to them? They get eaten! They get burried alive under our modern societies chaos and disturbia. And then you sit there under all that shit. All that shit you created on your own! You sit there and think, what the hell you did wrong! What the hell are you doing wrong! Do you really need to be arogant, egocentric mental freak who cares about himself to be happy? Screw it, I can do it! Oh no, I can’t! What have I done so enourmously amazing to get such a priviledge to be one of those who actually think about stuff, that matters or maybe the exact opposite.. things that don’t matter at all..
You sit at night and think, what is wrong with you, what can you do to feel better.. In the end you get the conclution that..
.. you need help to live. and that is sad, that is miserable and it makes me feel afraid of what comes next. Will I manage to succeed this easy, yet, difficult task?
Can you possibly suck at living? I guess you can. Hi and good night.
Well, this was basically my summer instrument. Played it on the streets with my buds. Finally got some legit internet and, well, it was a pretty wild ride with this “birdhouse”. I definitely won’t stop at summer. Autumn isn’t that cold. Huh. And what else can you do, if money is needed[?]. Well, you could find a normal job, but at the other hand, school messes things up.. Well, for now, I’ll stick with my “birdhouse”… Birdhouse is actually a pretty cool name. Well, for a band, album and/or a song.. *uuusing iiit*.
Summer is almost over, but the music won’t stop. Actually I’ve been thinking about makin’ some tunes and adding this wooden’ companion. Well, I should start making music in general.. yeah, I should.
CHOIRS AND ORCHESTRAS
It’s already past midnight and my princess is asleep, but I just had to write something here about how my day went. Rehearsals on big stages with a lot of awesome people. Played with students and later even side by side with professional musicians. First time I performed on such a huge stage with so many people. Thunder, lightning, wind and rain couldn’t wreck it.. Those four tried hard, but they did fail.. a bit. To fight the rain while playing outside, I had to put an umbrella in my bassoon.. well, it actually did help.
Today was awesome and impressive. Met some long time no see people. Despite, that today was really exhausting, I liked it. Had a great time, with great people. And, of course, met some new awesome people.
PS. The view was off the hook as well.
The XXV Latvian Nation-wide Song and Dance Celebration event continues to develop as a wide-ranging cultural event, where the nation not only represents its intellectual heritage and artistic potential, but also expresses its mentality and view of the world in all its characteristically emotional energy, linking man and nature.